For days, I felt my tears were close. Saturday morning in the supermarket, a heavy feeling put his claws in my back. Whether I was looking at green beans that couldn’t do anything about it, thinking about strawberries or trying to think about nice things- this feeling had decided to stay there for a while. It’s quite a challenge to find inspiration in your weekly shopping if you feel that way… Once the groceries were in the fridge, I sat down on my meditation pillow to observe. The oppressive feeling of fear wasn’t about to leave, no matter how long I looked at it. I became gloomier and more anxious (which, by the way, is a sign that you should stop meditating). Cleaning up closets didn’t seem to help either, and updating my bullet journal didn’t have any effect either.
Piet Jan suggested that we would tow some trees. Surprised, I looked up. youwammetodowhat?!? Piet Jan had put a hot tea bottle in the bag and took me to our since-October-garden. There were three pathetic dead conifers in a corner. We cut, chop, saw the trees, and dig out at least forty rhizome plants around the -in-surprise-discovered pond (with my boots, yes). All that dragging and lugging – and maybe the fresh air? – made me stop thinking about my gloomy feeling. We had a cup of tea while the rain gently tapped on the roof. I felt satisfied. The gloomy feeling took a polite distance.
I’m not done with it yet, he’s still around the corner, but that’s okay.
I will have to accept what’s going on and don’t try to escape from it. Even if it gets challenging, every breath takes me to the next moment. I can’t run away from it, and if this is what’s going on, I want to be able to stay with it and not run from it. I can try to control the circumstances, but that doesn’t change how it feels on the inside. Am I finally suffering from corona blues, after the third closure of our yoga studios this year? Or is it just that the days got shorter and shorter, the lack of blue sky and sunshine?
Yesterday morning Hiltje (the sweetest foster mother in the world) sent me this song (youtube video). I needed two tissues before the song was over.
I saw all those kids in front of another camera. All in their own homes. All separated. But also connected, connected through their headphones, connected by their desire to sing together. Connected by an enthusiastic, determined conductor. Are they happy with corona? No. It’s the worst for teenagers, they say. When you do what you’re asked to do, you’re home and you barely see your friends. You don’t see strangers at all. How do you meet new people? Very important at this age. Parties? Aren’t there. After a day of digital schooling, you’d like to giggle on the couch with your best friends. You can’t. Peeking at the boy you’re secretly in love with? How?
We’re all so tired of that feeling of being closed off. The feeling that you can’t move freely. Everyone wants to feel safe again, to be in contact, leave the fear of being close. Touch each other. Let a friend knock the feeling of being lost off your shoulder.
We’re all in this, apart-together. All of us feel the loss of not being able to see our friends and family at Christmas or on New Year’s Eve. For the first time in 25 years, I don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve with our group of friends. We all decided to stay home – together apart. For the first time, we won’t be sleeping in Breda after Christmas dinner with my mother. I don’t see my brothers and their families because of corona. For the first time, we will drive back 100 kilometers back to Breda for the Boxing day brunch. Am I pathetic, do I feel pathetic? No, and yes. I’m homesick. To how it once was. How free we were. That being close to each other was natural. I feel like I didn’t appreciate it enough back then. As if I too believed in forever, and believed that everything would always be the same. .
We’re not done with corona yet. But let’s make sure we stay close to ourselves in these days. In this day and age, let us continue to celebrate the moments, and not just look forward to when everything is “normal” again. In that way, you will spend at least a year of your life waiting, not living. Look at what is there, rather than longing for what we did in the years before. Also in this period with limitations, we can stay close to ourselves.
So I’m really just homesick. Homesick to two Christmases ago, when my father was still alive and we were celebrating Christmas with all the families of my brothers together around a long table. Homesick to the fantastic week in Greece last September, where we could be close (because we were all tested) and spend the whole day outside. Homesick for the summer holidays in which we were (1.5 meter) close to our beloved relatives and friends, in which Piet Jan and I sailed across the IJsselmeer in our sweet old mini sailboat together in the hottest week of the year. Homesick to long summer evenings with friends and a guitar and ukulele on the beach or picnics in the park…
Impermanence is the greatest truth in our lives – the only thing that doesn’t change- is that everything always changes. This also means that this situation will change. For better or for worse? We don’t know. Shakespeare once said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes them so“. Let’s make the best of this time. The winter solstice and with that, the shortest day is already behind us.
From this day on, the days will only get longer… I wish you a very merry Christmas and a beautiful 2021.
Love 💛and Light☀️,,